WHO I AM - NOW

Some people have a hard time keeping to themselves. They could talk all day and all night to any person big or small. They hardly ever think about the consequences of their speech nor do they worry about any effect it might have to the person it was addressed to.

I, on the other hand, only learned later on in life to speak up for myself. When I was younger, I was very shy. Plus the fact that I was the middle child made me feel that I was outspoken and overshadowed by my 2 siblings. I just felt that I had a very difficult time being heard that it was too bothersome to even try. I was rarely taught how to say "no" and to stand up for what I believed in. I was a bit scared of the world and my life revolved around home and school. High school didn't help too much as well. Thinking back, I could see that spoon-fed education just aggravated the situation. Well MY situation at least. It was very rare that we were allowed to express what we thought because there was only ONE answer to ONE question. If you answered otherwise, it was WRONG, no ifs or buts. It was the way things were in High School sometimes. But of course, I learned to think for myself through books and using my imagination. Through those, I was able to slowly step outside the box and to question things and wonder about this and that. Of course, once I was in college it was an entirely different thing. In college, you SHOULD speak up, you SHOULD express your opinions, you SHOULD explain why you answered "yes" or "no". It was quite a shocking change for me. But of course, very life-altering. I had to be more self-confident, I had to make my own choices because no one was going to make them for me, I had to learn to speak up and express my views silly as they may seem. It was very empowering. I was no longer afraid to complain to sales ladies who gave shoddy service, I was no longer scared to go out on my own to different places. Little by litte, I became independent.

Yes, I led a very sheltered life. My parents were quite protective which hindered my independence and made me all unsure of myself, my goals in life, my future. I don't blame my parents for bringing me up the way they did. They just believed that it was the best way and I really appreciate all their efforts. But I don't want to do the same with my boys. I want them to be curious about the world. I want them not to be afraid to make mistakes, to be brave enough to speak up and to think outside the box. I want them to question "why?" "how?" and wonder non-stop about the world. I want them to have this unquenchable thirst for knowledge that is not hampered by classroom walls and to be imaginative as only little boys could be. Hopefully, deciding to homeschool them is just the first step.

Maybe I regret not learning all these things early on. Maybe if I realized all of these in High School, I would have accomplished so much more, I would have been more sure of myself. Maybe if I were brave enough, I would have picked a different course in college, would have realized what I truly wanted. But of course, it is never too late to do all these things.

I really appreciate all the lessons I have learned growing up. They may not be the best lessons nor easy ones but I've learned and I appreciate them and now, I know where to go from there.

I may not be like those eloquent people, I may not have PR skills but at least at this time, I know myself a lot better and I could say, I'm quite happy with the person I am now.