DISAPPEARING

Don't you feel sometimes like you just want to disappear from the face of the earth for a few minutes (or even hours) just so you can be you again?

Yesterday I felt exactly like that. It was like I wanted to detach myself from this world and maybe perhaps when that happened, I would feel less, see less, do less ... basically everything less. Don't ask. Too long story but really, I just wanted to disappear.

.....

I have always been a good girl all my life. I have always been an obedient daughter, always studied hard, listened to my parents, never did any of those bad habits (I leave you to choose) and never broke curfew while I was in my parent's home. I was never a rule-breaker. The first time I missed mass I thought my soul was going to burn in hell for sure, and those times when I left even a kernel of rice on my plate I already imagined a sure life of purgatory for my condemned soul. The biggest childhood sin I did I suppose, was when I stole P50 from my dad's wallet so I could buy something from the store (he didn't have a smaller bill in his wallet). I think I was 8 years old at that time. After I did that, I thought that I was going to be punished severely by God for that and I almost expected lightning to come through our roof and hit me. I never prayed so hard in my life that evening.

Anyway, yesterday, I just wanted NOT to be a good girl anymore. Again, don't ask. I just felt like too many times I have been taken for granted, that just because I am good and very conscientious and ultra-sensitive, and always putting others' needs first before mine, I feel like sometimes, certain people don't respect me anymore. Just because I'm a stay-at-home wife and mom doesn't mean I'm stagnant, doesn't mean I'm dumb or getting dumber everyday or that I don't need to be respected or ackowledged as an intelligent, thinking individual. Just because I'm in the confines of my home doesn't mean that I don't have dreams for myself. I just sometimes feel so frustrated when people look at me so lowly just because I'm home all the time. Sometimes I want to tell them, "Fine, I'll be a careerwoman and you look after my boys 24/7 we'll see how well you do". Sigh.

Sometimes I really really wonder about the choices that I made in my lifetime. Thinking about it, I would still want to be a homeschooling mom, I would still want to be a stay-at-home wife, I would still want a part-time career in the future. Question is: Do I really want to be affected by all this when I know that my choices are still the same? Of course I don't. But I really wish that people will not take me for granted anymore just because I love too much, care too much and put others' (especially loved ones) needs before mine all the time.