PHONE HOME

Sometimes, having someone listen to your problems helps a lot. And I'm so glad I have my Tita (aunt) to listen to me and to just support me.

Tonight I received a call from Tita Nicki. She's actually Ruther's aunt. Her husband, Tito Leo, is Ruther's mom's brother. She was concerned about me and asked how I was dealing with my past problems and the Japan brouhaha and all that. I emailed her a few days ago and she told me that she wanted to call the night we arrived in Manila (August 31st) but their phone card was problematic. So they only found the time to ring tonight. In case you didn't know, Tita Nicki is Australian. She lives with Tito Leo and her 2 daughters in New South Wales. When Ruther and I were newly married, I wasn't that close with Tita Nicki. It was only when she came to the Philippines, took a teaching stint at the University of the Philippines for a semester and came to live with us that we chatted frequently and bonded. I appreciated her insights and we would talk about issues troubling society and such. I loved our intellectual talks. They were very stimulating.

Anyway, late last year, I had a huge huge problem and after battling it for around 6 months, I confided in her and well, let's just say she's helped me with the healing bit by bit. Til now. I suppose because of that, she feels a bit concerned about my welfare and when we spoke on the phone, she told me, "Yette, the last time I was there, I had no clue at all you were this troubled! You put on such a happy face. I wish I gave you a hug then." She was here for a family reunion last February and we spoke over the phone in July.

Well, I wish I did say something to her then. But I didn't want to ruin their vacation in Manila. I didn't want to be this depressed, gloomy person in the middle of all the partying. I suppose I should be glad that I kept my feelings hidden well that no one guessed at that time but on the other hand, it was really killing me inside. What else could I do? I couldn't tell my mom because as much as I love her and she loves me, she suffers from anxiety attacks and I didn't want her to worry. I couldn't confide in Mama (Ruther's mom) too because I know she has a lot on her plate as well. I couldn't tell my sister because I didn't want her to have biases. Writing about my thoughts and my pain didn't help a bit. It used to be but it didn't work then. Pages upon pages of writing and scribbling and asking questions... I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I was so desperate for company, I thought of joining a chatroom and just have someone listen to me (pathetic, I know). But that was unsuccessful since it was hard trying to find a genuine person to talk to. At first, I didn't know if talking to Tita Nicki would be a good idea but after letting all the pain out and hearing her validate my thoughts and my suffering, I felt so grateful that I found someone I trusted in this world. And now, everytime I feel like I'm drowning in a whirlpool of black water or falling headfirst into an abyss, I know that she'll be there to throw me a safety line. And I can't even say enough how glad I am that she's there and willing to be there.

Tonight she did that again. Just hearing her voice made me feel so reassured. We talked for sometime (maybe longer) and I was just so glad to tell her all my fears and hopes and despair. I just let it all out. And because of that, I can now breathe again. Is that weird? But really and truly, talking to Tita Nicki is like my medicine. Right after I talk to her I feel loads better. I used to complain before about emotional vampires... you know, a friend who leaves you so exhausted after chatting with her or being with her for a moment. I hope I'm not like that with Tita Nicki because I wouldn't want to be an emotional vampire to her. It's just that I badly need someone to listen to me. Someone who I know will hear me out no matter what, who understands what I'm going through and who will say, "yes, you have a right to feel that way".

I'm not one to write all my problems in my blog. As much as possible, I don't want to gripe, to be this gloomy, sad, emo person. I don't want to bring people down if I could help it. Which is probably why it sounds like I'm talking in riddles when I speak about my personal problems. I just don't like airing dirty laundry in public, you know. It's just not me.

Anyway, Tita Nicki's last words to me over the phone were very comforting. For the first time in days, I cried happy tears. Happy because someone loves me for who I am. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her in December when she comes over for a visit. I can't wait.