RAMBLING ON... AND ON...

I have been feeling antsy for the past days and I don't know exactly why.

Maybe it's because I have yet to know the sex of the baby and I feel so apprehensive about it. Maybe it's because I'm nervous as to when the baby will be coming. Maybe it's because I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months. Maybe it's because I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing anymore in homeschooling the boys. Maybe it's because of so much uncertainty, the unknown future. I just feel like I'm supposed to DO something but I have no idea what. And it's bothering me so much. Which is weird because it seems like I'm just doing this to myself for no reason whatsoever. But I really can't help the worries. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night bothered (but most of the time I wake up because I have to pee so badly) and I can't go back to sleep. It's just wearing me out. Friends say, "Don't worry so much, you'll affect the baby." But it's not like I could help it. Sigh... I just wish I had an idea what's going to happen, you know. Even for the rest of the year. Then I know I could breathe a little easier.

.....

The baby is SO active! And that's an understatement. Sometimes, it moves around so much I get some pins and needles because I suspect it's impinging on a nerve or something. When I feel the bumps moving around, I gently rub it and it seems to like that more. I don't recall Nikki and Ethan being this active at all. Which worries me again because "they" say that increased activity means it's a boy. But then again, Ruther's cousin in the UK said that her baby is so active too and she's carrying a girl. So, am having these conflicting emotions...

I know... Why am I doing this to myself, right?

.....

I would SO want to work in Japan. I think it would be great to actually live there with the family. Of course, we would have some difficulties, that's a given, but I'm sure, like any migrating family, we would manage somehow. I surely miss the country and I miss the people. I hope to one day go back there and reconnect with Japan once more...

.....

I want to get out of here. I know it sounds really nasty or bad or ungrateful but this really isn't our home. I would always feel like we're just visitors here. I would rather we have a place of our own, but first, I want to make sure that we know where we're going to live. I know that's pretty hard to plan out at the moment with the baby coming soon, but I just feel like I don't and can't stay here for another year any longer. I want us to have our own home, our own place, our own house. It doesn't have to be grand or huge or expensive. As long as it's comfy, right for us and adequate, I'll be happy...