I try to keep myself busy these days just so I would not have time to sit down and think about Ruther and cry. So far, it's been working. I started studying again. Remember the Child Psych course, I started to take last year? Well, I'm back studying it. I just put it on hold while Ruther was here because I really could not concentrate on my lessons (who could anyway?!). I'm actually glad to get back to my lessons because not only is it interesting, but it takes my mind off Ruther as well. I think I'm halfway over with the course. Hopefully, by April, I'll be done. Woohoo!
We have also been concentrating more on the boys' homeschooling. We're actually doing okay. Last night we started making Valentine's crafts. Nikki is such a careful crafter. He usually does not want to have paste on his fingers and hands and he cuts so carefully (he's terribly obsessive-compulsive) so messes are always kept to a minimum. Ethan on the other hand, loves chaos so if you leave him with colored paper and scissors, you'll have a bunch of confetti in no time. But he's very dextrous and really enthusiastic about arts and crafts. I also started teaching Nikki how to play the piano. Just the very basic stuff until I enrol him in formal lessons. He gets bored quite easily yet but he can play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with his right hand and using the correct fingers. The only downside there is that he counts his mistakes. "Oops! That's 2 mistakes now, Mommy!" I always tell him it's okay. We're going to study about money soon. Maybe this week.
It's so weird. It's like I feel I'm not doing anything at all. I feel like there's just too many hours in a day, that I have a lot of time in my hands. I feel like something's missing (I guess we all know what that is). It's just so strange. I suppose that's partly because the house now holds new memories for me. Before you go, "Huh?!" let me explain. When Ruther was away in Japan, Mama and Papa had the house renovated. When Ruther came home last November, that was the first time we lived together in this renovated house. It was the first time we made memories of this place. Before he came home our room was just a bedroom. But after he came home, our room now has meaning. It's like "This is Ruther's space on the bed" or "This is where he keeps his bag" or "This is where we slowdanced one night". So it's all seeped in memories and it just makes forgetting (well maybe not forgetting but perhaps not remembering) all the more harder to do.
Sigh.
It's difficult to think about tomorrow. It's difficult to look forward to a beautiful day because inside you feel so numb. The only happiness I feel these days is when I'm talking to Ruther through Skype in the evenings. I don't know exactly when I'll be out of the doldrums. But for the moment, it's where I am and where I'll stay.
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2 comments:
That's a good way of looking at things, Yette. New memories in a new place. I know it's hard now, but on down the road, all those little memories will prove to be very comforting.
Good for you finishing up that Child Psych course, too! Keeping busy will certainly help the time go by faster. Reading helps, too. There are places online where you can read some of the old classics for free...www.online-literature.com, for instance. I loved the stories by Johanna Spyri, particularly Heidi. It's a fun one to read, because it sort of whisks you away to another time and place.
Anyway, continued prayers for your comfort during your husband's absence, and that things will work out to be back together permanently very soon.
Good for you, that you finally decided to finish Child Psych course. Good that you try to see things in bright perspective.
Time flies fast, Yette. Soon Ruther and you will be together, though it's hard, I know. But sometimes a great tomorrow means a little sacrifices for now, yes?
Feel better (emotionally) soon!
(((hugs)))
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