MANY THOUGHTS

Sometimes I find myself with a head full of thoughts that I have to stop, breathe and tell myself that if I continue to think that way I'll only work myself up and that's not a very good idea especially with Ruther not around (he's my voice of reason) to calm me down. It's 4am right now and when I should be in bed sleeping and dreaming happy dreams, I am instead in front of the laptop doing some impromptu cleaning and dusting of my mind to clear away some of the jumbled mess for some organizational thought.

In the past, I used to worry about the littlest thing. Now, I only worry about the future (and okay, a few other things as well). I must have inherited this delightful little trait from my mother, who at present, suffers from mild anxiety attacks from time to time. It's really not the debilitating kind but she always brings her little pillbox with her wherever she goes, sort of like a security blanket.

I guess my biggest worries right now are: 1) how to be able to live together as a family in the (hopefully near) future (with no separations anymore), and 2) homeschooling (finding support, finding the time to research things, providing the necessary learning tools for the boys, being confident about this decision and pursuing it, etc.). I just really don't want to be 40 years old and still be living apart from Ruther. That would be simply depressing. Also, homeschooling 2 boys with very different learning styles is certainly not a walk in the park. You would think that it would be simpler to just teach Ethan what I teach Nikki, but NO. Ethan has to be of a different mold entirely just to spice things up a bit. Yay.

Anyway, I guess am only human to worry. As I told Ruther before, I would not worry about a person (which is more often than not, him) if I did not have affection and love for said person. Sometimes, my worrisome thoughts just come out of my head with no control from me whatsoever. I may be sitting in a jeepney and pop! I would think about where to get more educational toys for the boys. I could be walking to the grocery store and then suddenly think about money and budgetting woes. I could be frying something and my mind would jump to so many things (dangerous, I know!) I would sometimes wonder, now why did that pop into my mind right now? If you think that I'm making mountains out of molehills, Ruther would say that that would be an understatement.

Have you seen the movie Click? Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a preview of what your future would be like? Wouldn't it be swell to see how things are then so you could right some of the wrongs at present just to make sure that everything goes smoothly in the future? Wouldn't it be fantastic to catch a glimpse of how your family will be then (happy?, healthy?, together?, etc.)? I guess all we could do is just do our best right here and right now. But wait. How do we know that we are doing our best? How do we know that we still have much to offer, to give, to share to the people we love? How do we know that we are doing what we can right now to make this world a better place for our family/ies? Tell me. Doesn't that make you wonder?

I would not call my thoughts personal demons. I guess it just means that I want my life to be a bit more structured, a bit more planned out, a bit more secure. Like I want to be able to fix our calendar for next year. I want to be able to at least know what to write on it for the entire 2009. It would be nice to have a little bit of permanency. After all, I'm not getting any younger, right? Who's to say I'll still be here tomorrow.

Who doesn't want a happy ending? I suppose that's why I have so many thoughts in my head sometimes. I just want to (possibly) eliminate all those things right now that could well, make the future a little bit worrisome. But you know, even if I'm not sure how the ending of my story is going to be, despite all my crazy and worrisome thoughts, despite waking up at 4am to blog, despite all the uncertainties of the future, I do know that my happily ever after has already begun.