SILENCE

There are days when I wish I had a private soundproofed bubble and I could stay in there and just relish the silence. I don't know if I'm the only one but I sometimes get so rattled at all the noise around me. It's not just the boys' shouting and shrieking or the tv or the noisy kids outside. Sometimes it can be the neighbors' barking dogs, or the talking neighbors, or the shriek of a kettle, or even some disturbing news I heard the other day. Sometimes, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. Completely alone.

You might think me strange but I like peace and quiet. I could even live without a tv (Ruther couldn't so the tv in our room is staying there), just give me lots of books to while my time away. I like to mull things over in my head. I like to hear myself think. I just want to be able to think non-stop without interruptions, to be able to form cohesive thoughts or look ahead into the future. I want to be able to listen to my heartbeat without the help of a stethoscope and to be able to think with my eyes open. I want to look deep within myself and just reflect on many things.

I suppose the bathroom is the place where I can get the most peace and quiet in the house. But of course, I can't stay there for long periods of time or people will start to wonder what I'm up to in there. So I suppose my quiet time is late at night when the boys are asleep. When the room is dim and the house (and street) is quiet, I would just lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and let my thoughts wander. Sometimes, I write them down but it's nothing fancy. I usually just want to reflect on things and to allow myself to think freely. Like I forgot to do something the other day and then I would suddenly remember. Or I would have an idea for a family vacation and think about sharing it with Ruther. Or, I would recall something funny the boys said or think about how fast they are growing as each day passes. Or I would think about the future and just turn those thoughts over and over in my head. Sometimes, my thoughts calm me but sometimes, they make me anxious. But I've always been a thinker (Ruther would say "worrier") but I suppose that's just who I am. During the day, I find myself having difficulty with such reflections. There's just too much distraction and noise, I suppose. So usually, when night falls and the room is filled with the gentle breathing of the boys, I am able to reflect and just be alone with my thoughts. I would really love to have that soundproofed bubble but I guess a quiet room at night is better than nothing.