The other day, I was checking emails and learned that my High School classmate and her 2 kids would be joining her husband in Kobe, Japan in November. Permanently. Her husband started working in Japan last April and he wanted them to join him here. I have to say that the first thing I felt (after the first few seconds of reading it) was jealousy. And then, I felt so ashamed. I mean, this is my friend. I'm supposed to be happy for her. I guess, in a way, I AM happy. It's just that I am more jealous than happy.
This is what I've always wanted for my family: to live together permanently. I can't even recall how far back, how long I've wanted this to happen. All I know is that that is the driving force for my existence right now. And my dear friend will be living my dream. And I just felt so sad. And I felt terrible for feeling sad and for feeling jealous.
I'm not stupid. I studied Psychology and I know the exact reasons why I felt and reacted the way I did. I just feel ashamed in God's eyes that instead of being happy for my friend (primarily), I felt something else. Why shouldn't I feel bad? After all, envy is one of the seven deadly sins, right? But I also feel as though I would be lying to myself if I say I'm happy for my friend when I'm not exactly joyous about the news. Yes, a small part of me is happy but another part - jealousy, sadness, disappointment that it couldn't be us. The Catholic in me is partly scared that my weakness will result in a form of punishment. Will our visa extension not be approved because of my jealousy? Will I be able to feel 100% happy for my friend who did nothing to deserve this?
Sigh. I feel so lousy. I haven't checked emails from my yahoogroup for a few days now. I'm scared that I would feel that same pinch I felt from a few days back when I read her good news. I don't want to be a hypocrite and be all cheerful and wish my friend glad tidings when deep inside I felt sad. But despite feeling all these things, I definitely don't blame her for anything. That would just be petty. Nor am I blaming God for anything too. That would just be too ungrateful of me. God has been very good to my family and for me to blame Him or to direct my heartache towards Him is just not fair.
I suppose I'm just sad, plain and simple. Knowing myself, I'm sure I'll get over this in a few days. I know that by then, I would have let go of any of my sadness and be truly happy for my friend. By then, I would wish her congratulations and give her advice on which things to buy and bring from home, what to expect here and tell her the million and one things I love about Japan.
And then after that, I'll be working on how Ruther, the boys and I could also accomplish what my friend has accomplished. Hopefully, that won't be too far off.
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3 comments:
This post made my heart hurt for you. I sincerely hope you're able to find a way to keep your family living together permanently!!
Aww, Yette...I can understand feeling the way you do.
I felt that way with our house-hunting process, too. It was hard to be happy for those that bought homes before us...especially newlyweds that were considerably younger than us. It just seemed our struggle to get to the point of buying a home was so much more difficult than others...and it was hard to be happy for those that seemed to have a really easy time of it. I struggled with jealousy and discontent. The Lord convicted me of those things, too, and I knew I needed to repent. I'm so thankful that He forgives us of those sins when we ask Him to!
Life has a lot of ups and downs...learning experiences. It seems like one never appreciates the good weather until they've been through a storm. And you usually come out the stronger for it. Sometimes the difficult times help us to appreciate even more the good times that come along down the road.
Do give your friend that helpful advice that would help her to pack appropriately, and share in her joy...because you more than anyone else know what it means to remain 'apart'. Knowing one less family has to deal with that kind of pain and difficulty is good news indeed.
One day, perhaps sooner than you think, your time will come as well. The Lord sees and knows what you're going through. Just trust Him to work it all out in His perfect time. We may not know what the future holds, but we can trust that the All-knowing God of the Universe does...and we can trust that He will never steer us wrong.
Even when we face disappointments when our hopes or expectations aren't met doesn't mean that God has forsaken us. It just means that He intended something different to come out of it and is still at work in your situation...and one day when you look back at the struggles you faced early on...it will all make sense. He knows what is best for us, after all.
A good thing to remember to do is when you start to 'worry' or 'fret' about the future and your desire to be together...PRAY. That's a good reminder to just talk to the Lord, pour out your heart to Him and then trust Him to handle everything.
Enjoy those family times together now and don't let those worries rob you of your joy while you are together.
In the meantime, I'll be praying for you all.
Oh, Yette I truly, truly understand you and how you feel. I guess it's just normal as long as we know how to handle our emotions.
I agree with what Becky said. I know that you're a wonderful person, Yette and I know that when the right time comes God will answer your prayer. Just hold on and don't stop believing. Always keeping you and your whole family in my prayers.
Take care!
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