PAINFUL

Sometimes I wish some things never occurred in my life. I'm only human. I'm not one to admit I have the perfect life. I also know that I am someone so easily affected by things that come my way, especially things that affect me emotionally. I have never been a strong person. Of course, I hardly ever show my vulnerability to other people but when I am alone I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with emotions and I feel as though I am alone in the world. Yes, I know. I'm a crybaby. That's who I am. I'm the type of person who cries during touching commercials, while watching sad movies, while listening to sentimental music, while reading romantic stories, while watching really expressive dancing or even watching my loved ones sleep. I cry. And I get hurt. And I don't know why it's hard for me to let go of things that weigh so heavily in my heart but it's just so hard. It's like there's this thorn lodged deep inside my heart that there's no way of removing it without dying. That's how I feel. And the only respite I get from the pain is when I'm asleep because when I'm awake, it's like a fresh wound everyday. And I have no idea how to escape from it. Sometimes I look outside the window and wonder about life in general and the answer is lost in the chasm of uncertainty that hounds my future. Sometimes I wonder about my purpose. I used to think that I somehow figured that one out but of course, life throws you a curve ball. And along with the surprise comes hurt and a lotta pain. And I don't know what to do and I don't know how to get rid of this pain. I try to be strong for my family. I know I need emotional support (a whole LOT of it right now) because I know I'm prone to depressive moods and who knows when I'm going to snap out of it. But it's really really hard. I sometimes just hear a word and then shooting pain rips my heart in two. I hear a title of a song and I recall the painful things almost instantaneously. There's just no stopping it. I'm just really helpless when it comes to my emotions. I have tremendous love for the world. But I also feel tremendous pain when things take a wrong turn. I can't say "life sucks" because I know that that's how life is. I just want to know "Why"?