TRYING TO BE

As I thought, Ruther was excited about the baby when I told him I was pregnant. He reassured me that having a baby now, while I'm in my early 30s, would be better (and safer) than having one later on in life. I suppose he has a point there. But I still can't figure out how I feel about the whole thing. I guess I'm a lot like Keri Russell in the movie The Waitress. She wasn't ready to have a baby too. But that doesn't mean I'm not doing what I can to keep the baby safe and healthy. I take my folic acid, I drink milk, I make sure I stay away from people who are smoking and for the first time in 6 years, I am going to start reading What To Expect When You're Expecting again. I just wish the future was not so uncertain, you know.

I'm scared that I'm going to get real fat again. It's been hard losing weight after I had Nikki and Ethan. And I'm sure it'll be even harder this time around with my even slower metabolism. Sigh.

I'm scared that we won't be financially stable or prepared for the expenses that another baby will bring. I suppose this is typical for every family with another baby arriving but I can't help worrying about vaccinations, hospital bills, the birthing, the layette, etc. I KNOW I'm getting ahead of myself but it's a really daunting thought.

I asked Ruther that we talk seriously about making plans for the future. I told him that I will simply NOT allow him to leave me after the baby is born. No more separations and leaving me to take care of the kids alone. I suppose he realized that I've had enough and he agreed to make plans with me.

Sigh. I wasn't this paranoid when I had Ethan. I mean, sure, I worried, but I wasn't this worried. I suppose I should stop doing this to myself until I make my appointment with my Ob/Gyn. A fetal heartbeat might just be the thing I need to snap me out of this weird thinking.