LOSING WEIGHT

Ever since I could remember, I've always had issues with my weight.  I think I posted something similar to this months or years ago but still, I can't get over it.

Yesterday, we had an informal family portrait thing in a photo studio.  Nothing biggie.  I just wanted my sister to have a photo of the boys and while we were there, we had a photo of all of us too since we didn't seem to have a recent family photo.  After we got the pictures, I almost cringed when I saw my chubby face in one.  It was almost hideous.  I don't know why I hate my fat pictures.  It just affects me so.

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Okay, this is it. You have to start losing weight" and I try and I don't see results and it frustrates me and it's an endless, vicious cycle.  Sigh.

There are times when I'm happy with how I am.  Sometimes, I've even come to terms with the fact that I will never ever be reed thin like those supermodels I see in tv and print ads. But sometimes, especially when I feel low and unprepared, seeing myself on the big side could really depress me.

I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm just being blind.  When I go to the mall and shop for clothes, I know I won't fit into a size M.  A size L perhaps, if the cloth were stretchy but my side would be an XL for sure.  I used to be an M.  After kids, I'm now an XL.  Is that how I see myself?  Is that how others see me?

Sometimes, when we have to go out for shopping or dates or movies and I have to dress myself up, it takes me forever to come up with something to wear.  Why?  Because 1. I don't want to be self-conscious in my clothes, 2. I don't want to look frumpy as some plus-size women usually look when they aren't careful in dressing; and 3. I want my clothes to fit the weather (should I wear something cool? something loose? something that won't hinder breastfeeding? etc..)  It's not easy and sometimes when I go out and see myself in photos taken during the day, I cringe when I see my clothes either making me look even more fat or frumpy.  Sigh...

How will I ever accept me for who I am?  Will I always have this hanging over my head for the rest of  my life?