CAN'T DECIDE

For the nth time, I am having second thoughts about Nikki's education.

Yes, he learned so much when he was in regular school this past school year but at the same time, I feel frustrated at the pace they've been going at and the limitations of the school. Sure, I appreciate his lessons in Filipino and Makabayan and I know that it was indeed, time for him to learn all those. But I also know that learning those would have been accessible to him here at home since I already have Filipino and Makabayan books for him that I purchased a long time ago. I also know that his friendship with his classmates has let him appreciate camaraderie and company, but I know that homeschooling doesn't limit him in making friends (though not as close). I appreciate the artwork they do in school but it's such a far cry from the art lessons he has done while homeschooled. There's so much more to consider, so many other things to weigh, I feel as though I'm caught in a tug-of-war and I don't know which way to go.

On one side, being in school will teach Nikki independence, how to relate to people, self-confidence and discipline. On the other side, being homeschooled will simply open his doors to so many learning opportunities I can't enumerate them here for fear of boring you. I suppose we could still do blended schooling so he could have the best of both worlds, but I just fear it's simply too much for him to handle and that he'll have a burn out. And I would absolutely hate myself.

Sigh.

What to do? I asked Nikki what he wanted and he too, felt divided. In terms of lessons, he wants to be homeschooled. But at the same time, he admitted to me that he WILL miss his friends. So I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have 2 months to think of what Nikki's next step in education will be and I just feel so confused. I don't know what to do.

Nikki will be taking a placement test in June (PEPT) to determine his grade level. This test is given once a year to out-of-school youths and homeschoolers. I'm not worried about Science, English and Math but Filipino and Makabayan are another story. So I told Nikki we'll have to review until June so he'll be ready for the exam. I just hope that he'll do well. We've started reviewing and so far, we've been doing easy lessons. Next month, we'll have to step it up and I hope Nikki can cope. I don't want him to think that all our homeschooling lessons were for naught. And I don't want my husband to think that I didn't teach my boys anything! So yes, it's going to be a very busy summer for us.

Wish us luck!

WHERE I BELONG

I'm a fickle person, yes, I know. I know I can be fickle with it comes to eating, to dieting, to fulfilling resolutions, (okay!) to blogging, to many other things. But one thing's for sure, when it comes to my family, their needs and their interests, I am never fickle. (Or well, I try not to be.)

It's not easy being a mom of three boys. Sometimes, I forget myself. Sometimes I don't remember if I shampooed my hair when I took a bath this morning. It happens. A lot even. But when I stop and think of the many things I share with my boys, of being a stay-at-home mom, of knowing their every quirk and mood, I just feel proud. I know not many people will see it like that. I know many belittle mothers like me, but I just can't bring myself to part from my boys at this time. I want to spend as much time as I can with them. As much as I would love to have a career, I also know that my desire to be with my children outweighs anything else I would ever want for myself. When Enzo gets a bump on his head and reaches out for me for comfort, I know that to him, I'm not just anybody. When Ethan comes to me and spews a strange story that no one else could understand, I know that he's sharing something important with me. When Nikki is silent and brooding, I know that he has deep thoughts and I'm careful to leave him in peace. These are little things for other people but to me, they mean so much. I WANT to be there for my family. I want to tend to their every need, to discipline them (yes, even Ruther!), to teach right from wrong, to encourage, to give affection, to open their eyes to the world, and to love like no one else could.

These past few days, I've been thinking of getting a job. I know it will help our family in our current financial situation. I know Ruther's earning good money but of course, it wouldn't hurt to have some money stashed away for emergencies, right? I've been checking ads and such and it always bothered me that I would be away from the boys. Then I thought to myself, "If you want to work and be with the boys, you have to make it work. If other moms could do it, why not you?" So now, I'm doing that. Finding ways of earning money while being with my boys. Tough? For sure! It's no walk in the park. But I know the right job will come to me if I search hard for it. And of course, with the help of people.

So yes, life can be crazy. And it is at the moment. But it doesn't mean I give up or lament endlessly or lose focus. I just have to know what I want, find a way to get it, and grab it. And maybe with a little luck, I might just succeed.

AT KRISPY KREME

At Krispy Kreme, Greenhills. We met up with my cousin Ian, his wife Sue, his kid Cassius as well as my Aunt and Uncle who came for a visit from Canada. It was unfortunate that they only got to come for a short time and we only saw each other once, but I know we'll see each other again in the future.

Miss you cousin!

Hey Life

I can't help but feel that Life is laughing at me. And mocking me.

I can just feel it.

A day passes and then a week and then two. And I wonder how the days turn into nights so rapidly. In a few short days, Nikki will be done with school. Wow. Has the school year gone by that quickly?

Sometimes I wonder about time and how it moves so slowly at times and super fast the next. Sometimes I think of the past and the choices I've made. I think of the future and wonder where our next chapter will take us.

There are days when I feel I'm wandering aimlessly, or going through the motions, just waiting for something to snap me out of a stupor that would suddenly take hold of me from time to time.

Yes, I wonder about you, Life, and the things you make me do and the places to take me to see. What else have you got for me and my family? What other plans have you got up your sleeve? Are they going to be good ones? Or be the same as the past 3 years? Hopefully not.

Make me smile. Make me laugh. Make me live again. Tickle my fancy. Thrill me. Send a shiver down my spice. C'mon Life. You can do better than this.