Raising My Boys

I am currently reading the book Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference by Susan Vogt and it's interesting - in a parenting point of view.  Granted, I don't agree with all her methods but I understand her intentions and I respect that.

For instance, assigning a particular color for each child to color-code their stuff.  It's very ambitious and I'm sure it worked for their household, but I don't think I have the time to color-code everything here since we're living with my in-laws and I wouldn't want to color-code their stuff along with ours! I did like her idea of going on dates with each child.  That I would want to do especially when my boys are older.  I hope they will look forward to those dates with me.

Another topic that I enjoyed reading was her propensity to bring eco-bags wherever she went.  Living in Las Pinas has taught me to bring an eco-bag whenever I'm out of the house lest I carry any stuff I buy in paper bags or god forbid, a cardboard box.  I want to encourage my boys to do the same but again, I always encourage them to decide for themselves on what they believe is best for them to do.  Hopefully, all our lessons on recycling and being environmentally conscious will guide them accordingly.

I'm halfway through the book and I hope to learn more.  I hope to finish at least one (informative) book every two months so I guess I'm on the right track. :)

Starting to Panic

Yes.

I am finally - and regretfully - at that time when I can no longer say, "to heck with the world, I've got all the time".  No, not this time and I know, turning 37 (gasp!) this year means I have to be more serious about my goals, about life, about how I want my future to be.

I suppose, like all stages in life, acceptance is the first step.  And yes, I accept that I AM getting older.  But what can I do about it?  I can't turn back the clock.  I can't ponder on every mistake I made in the past.  I can't dwell on regret.  I can't very well obsess about every little thing.  I need to focus, to be more positive, to be more organized (believe me, those brain cells are starting to fail me more often than not) and to simply enjoy life.

Now that I feel like the clock is ticking (a little too fast), let me check all the things I've already accomplished so far in my life:

1. Get married.  I know this isn't in everyone's bucket list but I always knew in my heart that I would be a wife.  Dunno how I knew, but I did.  Weird huh.

2. Have a family.  Another thing I knew too was that I was meant to be a mom. I have this nurturing spirit which I think would have been frustrating for me if I didn't have kids.  My boys keep me on my toes.  And I love being challenged as a parent, an educator and a mentor.  Some people tell me that it's just too bad I don't have a daughter but you know, in all honesty, I am quite content with my boys.  They complete me and that's all I need.  Besides, I have a niece I think having a baby girl is covered.  :)

3. Travel.  I've always wanted to travel.  I think my temperament is good for travelling since I have the open-mindedness and patience to understand local and foreign cultures.  I just think that travelling is an education all on its own.  And it's simply amazing.  This one, I have not accomplished fully yet, since I plan to travel years from now.

4. Get an education.  Yeah, did that... moving on...

That's it.  Pretty poor list, isn't it?  Especially since the career section is non-existent. But I'm not an ambitious person.  I mean, I have dreams but I'm not the be-a-world-changer kind of person.  As long as I do my part well in my little corner as a mother, wife, daughter and friend, then I know I did and am doing good.

I've already checked a lot of other things in my bucket list but I think I have to be more serious this year in accomplishing more of them.  Hopefully, I will be able to do them all before my inevitable time runs out.

MOMS

It's that time of the year again.  Yup, everyone pays tribute to moms around the world.  Amazing, isn't it?  

Where would we all be without our moms?  True, some moms are better or worse than others and some are just plain insane. But whether we love or hate them, we do owe them our lives.

I've been blessed to have a great mom.  Granted she's not perfect, could be insane even, but she loved me and my siblings.  She took care of us, gave us the best care, sheltered us (a little too much methinks) and loved us unconditionally.  How many moms can give these to her kids?  

I know a family who barely talks to their mother.  I understand that their mother was terrible to them - and I mean terrible.  Physically, emotionally, financially... you name it.  Now, they want nothing to do with her after years of heartache and abuse.  It's sad, but since I am not in their position, I can't judge them. I'm only saying that it's sad.

I'll admit, there were times when I wished I had a different mom.  But those were during times of depression, stress and emotional upheavals.  I know now that for every person in the world, there is a mom meant for him or her.  Moms will never be perfect but at least they try.  

I'm a mom now.  I have been for 10 years.  I have 3 beautiful boys. I just feel so blessed.  I've always wondered why I have second thoughts about getting a full-time job and now I know why.  It's because THIS is my full-time job.  Being a mom.  THIS is what I'm good at.  Changing diapers... check.  Kissing booboos and making the boys feel better instantly... check.  Refereeing fights... check.  It's definitely not easy.  But I wouldn't want it any other way.

What is a mom?  A mom is a nurse, a doctor, a friend, a cook, a baker, a dietician, a counselor, a financial adviser, a teacher, a disciplinarian, a musician, an artist, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, a photographer, a maid, a 24/7 zombie, an insomniac, a blogger, a barber (in my boys' case), a fashion adviser, a planner, a clown, an angel and a dictator rolled into one.  Am I these things?  For my boys' sake, I hope so - and more. 

LOSING WEIGHT

Ever since I could remember, I've always had issues with my weight.  I think I posted something similar to this months or years ago but still, I can't get over it.

Yesterday, we had an informal family portrait thing in a photo studio.  Nothing biggie.  I just wanted my sister to have a photo of the boys and while we were there, we had a photo of all of us too since we didn't seem to have a recent family photo.  After we got the pictures, I almost cringed when I saw my chubby face in one.  It was almost hideous.  I don't know why I hate my fat pictures.  It just affects me so.

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Okay, this is it. You have to start losing weight" and I try and I don't see results and it frustrates me and it's an endless, vicious cycle.  Sigh.

There are times when I'm happy with how I am.  Sometimes, I've even come to terms with the fact that I will never ever be reed thin like those supermodels I see in tv and print ads. But sometimes, especially when I feel low and unprepared, seeing myself on the big side could really depress me.

I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm just being blind.  When I go to the mall and shop for clothes, I know I won't fit into a size M.  A size L perhaps, if the cloth were stretchy but my side would be an XL for sure.  I used to be an M.  After kids, I'm now an XL.  Is that how I see myself?  Is that how others see me?

Sometimes, when we have to go out for shopping or dates or movies and I have to dress myself up, it takes me forever to come up with something to wear.  Why?  Because 1. I don't want to be self-conscious in my clothes, 2. I don't want to look frumpy as some plus-size women usually look when they aren't careful in dressing; and 3. I want my clothes to fit the weather (should I wear something cool? something loose? something that won't hinder breastfeeding? etc..)  It's not easy and sometimes when I go out and see myself in photos taken during the day, I cringe when I see my clothes either making me look even more fat or frumpy.  Sigh...

How will I ever accept me for who I am?  Will I always have this hanging over my head for the rest of  my life?

BACK TO BASICS

Today I spoke with a fellow homeschooling mom. It wasn't a planned meeting. We just happened to see each other in Powerbooks and started chatting. We of course, ended up talking about homeschooling, which is really how we met in the first place so no surprise there. I asked her about her second son, who is autistic like Ethan. I asked how she homeschools him and asked for some tips in dealing with Ethan when it's lesson time. We talked about our reasons in homeschooling our kids, our fears, our goals and all that. Yes, we chatted up a storm beside the pile of discounted books while people came and went. After what felt like hours but which was maybe 30 minutes of chatting, she had to leave and with her departure, I felt really light. For the first time in months, I know what I want for my boys. I want to homeschool them. I don't care anymore what people say, what they want my boys to do, where they want to be. All I know is that I want to homeschool my boys for as long as we can. I know that what I teach my boys at home is far more important than what they could learn in school. I know, still, after years of homeschooling, that I can provide the best education for my boys because I know them very well.

I expressed my thoughts (although not all of them) to Ruther and I was relieved that he didn't say no or that he wasn't open to the idea of homeschooling. He simply said, he wants Nikki to be learning the lessons that's fit for his age. In other words, he should be learning the lessons meant for his actual grade level based on his age. And I agree. So, I guess, no more dilly-dallying. If I want to make this work, REALLY work, we have to step it up. I'm planning on enrolling the boys in a homeschool curriculum. Hopefully my friend could help me. I want to do this for the next school year. Nikki will most probably be in a Grade 4 level but we'll see. Ethan will be in Grade 1 and I'm not worried because I don't want to push him too much and make him resent learning.

I'm so relieved I have finally come to terms with what I want for my boys. It's not easy (AT ALL) deciding to homeschool but as what another mom told me, "It's in us, the homeschooling lifestyle". I guess, it's in our family too...

WHERE I BELONG

I'm a fickle person, yes, I know. I know I can be fickle with it comes to eating, to dieting, to fulfilling resolutions, (okay!) to blogging, to many other things. But one thing's for sure, when it comes to my family, their needs and their interests, I am never fickle. (Or well, I try not to be.)

It's not easy being a mom of three boys. Sometimes, I forget myself. Sometimes I don't remember if I shampooed my hair when I took a bath this morning. It happens. A lot even. But when I stop and think of the many things I share with my boys, of being a stay-at-home mom, of knowing their every quirk and mood, I just feel proud. I know not many people will see it like that. I know many belittle mothers like me, but I just can't bring myself to part from my boys at this time. I want to spend as much time as I can with them. As much as I would love to have a career, I also know that my desire to be with my children outweighs anything else I would ever want for myself. When Enzo gets a bump on his head and reaches out for me for comfort, I know that to him, I'm not just anybody. When Ethan comes to me and spews a strange story that no one else could understand, I know that he's sharing something important with me. When Nikki is silent and brooding, I know that he has deep thoughts and I'm careful to leave him in peace. These are little things for other people but to me, they mean so much. I WANT to be there for my family. I want to tend to their every need, to discipline them (yes, even Ruther!), to teach right from wrong, to encourage, to give affection, to open their eyes to the world, and to love like no one else could.

These past few days, I've been thinking of getting a job. I know it will help our family in our current financial situation. I know Ruther's earning good money but of course, it wouldn't hurt to have some money stashed away for emergencies, right? I've been checking ads and such and it always bothered me that I would be away from the boys. Then I thought to myself, "If you want to work and be with the boys, you have to make it work. If other moms could do it, why not you?" So now, I'm doing that. Finding ways of earning money while being with my boys. Tough? For sure! It's no walk in the park. But I know the right job will come to me if I search hard for it. And of course, with the help of people.

So yes, life can be crazy. And it is at the moment. But it doesn't mean I give up or lament endlessly or lose focus. I just have to know what I want, find a way to get it, and grab it. And maybe with a little luck, I might just succeed.

Hey Life

I can't help but feel that Life is laughing at me. And mocking me.

I can just feel it.

A day passes and then a week and then two. And I wonder how the days turn into nights so rapidly. In a few short days, Nikki will be done with school. Wow. Has the school year gone by that quickly?

Sometimes I wonder about time and how it moves so slowly at times and super fast the next. Sometimes I think of the past and the choices I've made. I think of the future and wonder where our next chapter will take us.

There are days when I feel I'm wandering aimlessly, or going through the motions, just waiting for something to snap me out of a stupor that would suddenly take hold of me from time to time.

Yes, I wonder about you, Life, and the things you make me do and the places to take me to see. What else have you got for me and my family? What other plans have you got up your sleeve? Are they going to be good ones? Or be the same as the past 3 years? Hopefully not.

Make me smile. Make me laugh. Make me live again. Tickle my fancy. Thrill me. Send a shiver down my spice. C'mon Life. You can do better than this.

NO REGRETS?

There are times in my life when I look back and think of the things I did or major decisions I made that affected me a lot. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I have no regrets whatsoever. Yes, there are some things in my life that I regret doing or having. Surprised?

I'm in awe of people who say with conviction that they have no regrets in their lives. I just can't see how they could turn a mistake and make it right. I can't comprehend how they can so easily let go of things and say, "I'm over it". How can I adopt such a philosophy?

I try. I try my best to be the best that I can be. But yes, I have fears too. There was a time in my life when my fears crippled me, when I could not think straight, when I could not function. I guess, I still have some fears. But they aren't as crippling as before, thank goodness. I think I just have to learn to master my fear, to realize that I only have one life and I shouldn't waste it.

Maybe I should, when I wake up in the morning, ask myself, "What extraordinary thing can I do today? What can I do to experience the world? What can I do to make my family happier?" I sometimes wish there were more hours to a day. I know not many people will agree with me on this, but I just want to spend as much time as I can doing the things I want to do, by myself and with the people that I love. I'm sure that if I do that, years from now when I'm old and grey, I'll look back and smile at all the crazy and wonderful things I did with my life.

THROUGH THE LENS

Ruther says I have to post more photos of Enzo. I must say he's right. The problem is having to sort through hundreds of photos and picking the nice ones. Whatta problem, right? I'm sure years before, the problem would have been arranging the developed photos in photo albums. These days, with all the photos available, you just don't know which one to pick. Yep. That's technology for you.

I usually -when I find the time - browse through our photos in Ruther's iPhoto and the many photos we have in there is just amazing. The stories they tell, the memories they stir, the emotions they evoke... it's just indescribable.

Have you watched the movie "Sabrina"? The 1995 one with Harrison Ford and Julie Ormond? Well, she went to Paris and learned photography and there was this thing she said to Linus (Ford) that went:

"Every time, I look through a camera I’m surprised. It’s like finding yourself in the middle of a story, like you just did. What kind of a guy takes a job keeping a light house? I think I’ve been taking pictures all my life, long before I ever had a camera."

I feel exactly the same way. I feel that I've been taking photos my whole life but just finding it a tad hard to record them in my memory banks. Nevertheless, I love the stories they tell and all the happy memories they bring. Years before, I used to worry about losing all my photo albums. I worried that those memories will be gone forever. Yeah, call me a sentimental fool but those are memories to be treasured forever.

When I look at photography books, I am always curious at the story or stories behind the photo. What lies behind those expressive eyes? I am amazed at how much life is preserved on paper. Like how much my kids have grown over the years. And also, I feel a touch of bittersweet when I see people who have passed away in the pages of albums. I miss them all.

I know that years from now, more and new technology will come and thrill and amaze us. I just hope that there will be a permanent way of preserving all these photographs so that long after I'm gone from this world, my family will enjoy all the stories every photo will tell them.

MORE MORE MORE

I am 35 years old. And yet I feel as thought I haven't lived yet. I mean, REALLY lived yet.

Sure, I have kids. I'm married. I've traveled. But I don't feel as though this is it. I don't feel that completeness in me yet. Perhaps I have so much to discover still. Besides, my bucket list is far from being completed at this time. I think, no, I feel I have much to learn and much to give and I have to find out what I'm really meant to do in this life.

I think it's silly that kids are asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" because honestly, I didn't have a darn clue what I wanted to be. I think I just gave whatever answer pleased the person asking. How about a mom? A wife? Does that qualify? I think kids should be asked, "What are your interests?" and then gather information about their prospective occupations from their replies. Wouldn't that be a better question?

I feel as though I have only woken up. I'm halfway through my life and yet I feel there is still so much more for me out there. Is this a farfetched dream? Am I just looking at the world through rose-colored glasses? I think not. There was a time in my life when I was so blinded. Blinded by so many things. But I woke up and now, I know reality from fantasy. And I know that there's something for me out there. And I just have to find it.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family to death. I wouldn't sacrifice so many things for them if I didn't love them the way I do. But I also know that in the future, I need to look out for myself too. To do the things I've always wanted to do. To try the things I've always wanted to try. To visit places I've always wanted to see. I want to read all the books I could in a day. Dress funny and not mind when people look and stare. Take photographs of people and places and to reminisce them all over hot chocolate (am cutting down on my coffee). To look at the world in a whole new light. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Yes, I think there is so much more for me out there. Is it too much to hope for? Maybe not.

I'LL TRY

I don't usually make resolutions because 1. I suck at it, and 2. they don't usually come true. But this time, in the extreme desire to make 2012 a positive year, I will make just one. Yup. One. Simple. Resolution.

I will do my very best (not promise) to be vigilant always. Why so? Because I tend to procrastinate. Okay fine. I procrastinate more often than not. Happy now?

Why "vigilant"? Because 1. it means "keeping careful watch", 2. it's easy to chant in my head, and 3. I'm sure not many people out there use it as a mantra of sorts. I have to remind myself to be vigilant with regards to my children's education (homeschooling is wonderful but it's crazy!), to be vigilant in doing what I can today, to be vigilant in fulfilling the needs of my family, and to be vigilant in saving/earning money in every little way that I can. Every time I feel like I'm purposely taking it slow, I tell myself, "be vigilant" and I feel some little energy inside me that gives me that much-needed push. It's wonderful really. It's like my own personal booster.

I've been selling some of our stuff online lately. I started late last year as I was decluttering the house. Undecided on what to do with the baby stuff around I tried to post it online as a for sale ad. And we pretty much sold the baby walker, the playpen, the crib accessory and ladybug costume in a month. It was a nice surprise. I never thought that we'd be able to make a couple of sales. Since it seemed like a very good thing to preoccupy me, I thought, why not continue selling our stuff online while decluttering the house? So, that's what I've been doing and so far, it's been swell. Today, I managed to sell our baby carrier from a guy who lives in Magallanes! And that's not near our place. It's just amazing. Since it seems so promising, I'm thinking of testing other things to sell online like my crochet stuff and some bead creations. Who knows, right?

Anyway, back to vigilance. I think that that would be the best word for me to use this year. Maybe this is the positive thing that I need right now to focus and start my year right. I know I've bungled a lot of resolutions in the past (which made me stop making them years ago) but this time, I gave a very good feeling about it.