NIKKI, ETHAN AND ENZO

I love my boys!

MOMS

It's that time of the year again.  Yup, everyone pays tribute to moms around the world.  Amazing, isn't it?  

Where would we all be without our moms?  True, some moms are better or worse than others and some are just plain insane. But whether we love or hate them, we do owe them our lives.

I've been blessed to have a great mom.  Granted she's not perfect, could be insane even, but she loved me and my siblings.  She took care of us, gave us the best care, sheltered us (a little too much methinks) and loved us unconditionally.  How many moms can give these to her kids?  

I know a family who barely talks to their mother.  I understand that their mother was terrible to them - and I mean terrible.  Physically, emotionally, financially... you name it.  Now, they want nothing to do with her after years of heartache and abuse.  It's sad, but since I am not in their position, I can't judge them. I'm only saying that it's sad.

I'll admit, there were times when I wished I had a different mom.  But those were during times of depression, stress and emotional upheavals.  I know now that for every person in the world, there is a mom meant for him or her.  Moms will never be perfect but at least they try.  

I'm a mom now.  I have been for 10 years.  I have 3 beautiful boys. I just feel so blessed.  I've always wondered why I have second thoughts about getting a full-time job and now I know why.  It's because THIS is my full-time job.  Being a mom.  THIS is what I'm good at.  Changing diapers... check.  Kissing booboos and making the boys feel better instantly... check.  Refereeing fights... check.  It's definitely not easy.  But I wouldn't want it any other way.

What is a mom?  A mom is a nurse, a doctor, a friend, a cook, a baker, a dietician, a counselor, a financial adviser, a teacher, a disciplinarian, a musician, an artist, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, a photographer, a maid, a 24/7 zombie, an insomniac, a blogger, a barber (in my boys' case), a fashion adviser, a planner, a clown, an angel and a dictator rolled into one.  Am I these things?  For my boys' sake, I hope so - and more. 

SWEENEY TODD

Just watched Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street starring Johnny Depp (LOVE him!) and now I'm feeling bad!  Not only was the story gory, it had a really sad ending.  And I wasn't expecting that at all!  Drat!   I did love the singing and the first part of the story.  I think Jayne Wisener has a really lovely voice.  Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter weren't too bad either.  Director Tim Burton described it as macabre.  I guess he was right.  It was just an eerie, scary, gory, sad movie.  Not for everyone I suppose but if you appreciate musicals, you just might like this.

.....

We're off to a fun day at my brother-in-law's workplace for a visit.  It's a Kids @ Work thing and the boys are excited.  Well, I'm excited.  I hope the boys have fun with the activities.  I'll be bringing along a helper because I can't very well handle 3 boys on my own, can I?  Well, I can but I'll be stressed to no end.  So I want to NOT be that tomorrow.  Anyway, here's hoping for a very entertaining, fun-filled day!

AVENGERS AND GAME OF THRONES

Ruther and I watched the Avengers a couple of weeks ago and I really enjoyed it. Not only was it riveting, it was entertaining, funny and, in one scene, even sad.  It was a wonderful movie and I'm looking forward to watching the 2nd part.  So, imagine my consternation when I read online that I missed the very very last part of the movie where the superheroes were all together eating shawarma!  Argh!  How could I have missed that?  I'm so mad at myself.  Anyway, once the DVD/Blu-ray is out I'll check that part out.

Sigh.

.....

Game of Thrones is getting more and more interesting.  Season 2 is really great because when I read the book, Season 1 was almost exactly similar.  Season 2 however is interesting.  Some parts in the book were omitted and other parts changed, like Shae being Sansa's handmaiden (instead of Lollys), Osha seducing Theon, and Arya being Lord Tywin's cupbearer.  But I don't mind the changes.  In the book/s, there were so many characters in the story, I sometimes couldn't keep track.  So yeah, am happy with the way HBO did their version.  So excited for the next episode.  I'm hoping it will be another spectacular show.

Winter is coming...

LOSING WEIGHT

Ever since I could remember, I've always had issues with my weight.  I think I posted something similar to this months or years ago but still, I can't get over it.

Yesterday, we had an informal family portrait thing in a photo studio.  Nothing biggie.  I just wanted my sister to have a photo of the boys and while we were there, we had a photo of all of us too since we didn't seem to have a recent family photo.  After we got the pictures, I almost cringed when I saw my chubby face in one.  It was almost hideous.  I don't know why I hate my fat pictures.  It just affects me so.

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Okay, this is it. You have to start losing weight" and I try and I don't see results and it frustrates me and it's an endless, vicious cycle.  Sigh.

There are times when I'm happy with how I am.  Sometimes, I've even come to terms with the fact that I will never ever be reed thin like those supermodels I see in tv and print ads. But sometimes, especially when I feel low and unprepared, seeing myself on the big side could really depress me.

I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm just being blind.  When I go to the mall and shop for clothes, I know I won't fit into a size M.  A size L perhaps, if the cloth were stretchy but my side would be an XL for sure.  I used to be an M.  After kids, I'm now an XL.  Is that how I see myself?  Is that how others see me?

Sometimes, when we have to go out for shopping or dates or movies and I have to dress myself up, it takes me forever to come up with something to wear.  Why?  Because 1. I don't want to be self-conscious in my clothes, 2. I don't want to look frumpy as some plus-size women usually look when they aren't careful in dressing; and 3. I want my clothes to fit the weather (should I wear something cool? something loose? something that won't hinder breastfeeding? etc..)  It's not easy and sometimes when I go out and see myself in photos taken during the day, I cringe when I see my clothes either making me look even more fat or frumpy.  Sigh...

How will I ever accept me for who I am?  Will I always have this hanging over my head for the rest of  my life?

TAKING A TRIP

My mom will be leaving for Canada at the end of the month to visit my sister in Toronto. With my dad and brother. I am SO jealous!! I wish I could tag along. But I can't because 1. I don't have the funds, 2. I don't have the funds, and 3. I can't leave my family without me!  As much as I know they will have a lot of fun there and I really wish I could see my sis in Canada, I know I . Oh well...

My sister has some requests for me to do and buy before my mom leaves.  I hope that can do/get them all before the departure.  One of those requests is having to renew her professional license.  That won't be a problem since I plan on going to PRC to renew my license as well.  After checking the PRC website, I was relieved to know that all I simply need is a letter of authorization from my sister to claim her new license.  Thank goodness.

I've already started buying the pasalubong (presents) for my relatives.  It's now a box full.  I hope my mom won't mind. I did tell her about my intention in getting presents for family in Canada and she said it was okay. So I hope it is.

I wish I could see Canada. I wish I could go places with my family the way we did when we were little.  After I got married I haven't been to a family vacation out of the country.  My mom, sis and dad went to China once.  And my brother went with them to HongKong I think.  Sigh.  Wish I was with them during those times to have some wonderful bonding memories.

Anyway, I still hope that visiting Canada will be in our plans in the future.  I hope to be able to let my boys study there and eventually live there when they are older.  If it means working my butt off to get them there, then so be it.

GETTING ALONG

It's not easy getting along with difficult people. I've had my share of nastiness and it disappoints and alarms me that people can be so mean and insulting when they are in a bad mood. Sometimes I wonder if the world will be a better place without nasty people. But I know psychologists will disagree with me because of the fact that strife and discord develop one's desire to fight for what is right, push us to extremes, and trigger our desire to fight instead of flee (fight vs. flight).

I'm an emotional person.  When I was younger, I was even more emotional. Every little thing would affect me.  Ruther said I wore my heart on my sleeve and now, thinking back, I suppose he was right.  But now, I've learned to toughen up. I know that I can't put myself out there anymore, vulnerable to attacks.  It's kind of sad in a way because I thought I was just being true to who I was: an emphatic, emotional and sensitive person.  I am still those things right now, I guess but to a much lesser degree.  I can't live like that anymore.  Whenever I had a bad day, unless I was completely exhausted, I would find myself tossing and turning at night wondering what went wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have done to make things right... It was really emotionally draining.

After I got married, I was still the emotional me. Despite knowing Ruther for years, we still had adjustments to make. It was a bit tough on me but as years went by, I learned, I adjusted, I changed. When you have to be out in the world, you have no choice but to change.  Sometimes, I try not to let too many things affect me.  After all, it's my sleep that's affected at night, not theirs.  When people I've never met throw a nasty situation my way, I have to tell myself I couldn't help it and let it go or I know I would simply be distraught about it. I guess, that's just the way I am.

I never have problems getting along with my boys.  I suppose it's because I know them so well despite their personality-differences. I know the best time to talk to Nikki after a scolding.  I know when Ethan is worried and apprehensive.  I know when Enzo needs comfort or play or affection.  As a mother, I suppose I taught myself to let go of the little things that affect me and just focus on the bigger things.  Ruther is not like that sometimes.  It's not because he wants to be nitpicky.  He's just particular, that's all.  I admit, there are times when he rubs off the boys the wrong way and vice versa but that doesn't mean he doesn't try.  It's just harder for him, I guess.

These days I tell myself, if I get into an ugly situation, to simply remind myself that 1. the person is most probably a stranger and I'll never see him or her again; 2. bad situations happen but that doesn't mean it should ruin my day and 3. I learn something from all the time from things like this.

I happen to have had a terrible experience last Sunday with a relative. Knowing she had anger issues, I tried to calm her down to start a quiet conversation. But she wouldn't have any of it. Mid-fight we were screaming at each other and I really couldn't help it.  She refused to see reason.  I will not say the cause of the fight but I will say that it was unbelieveably a small small thing.  Another reason that irked me.  I mean, we could have just talked reasonably but no, she wanted a fight.  Sigh.  Before we parted ways, I told her that I didn't want the fight hanging over my head. I didn't want to have to think about it because it was so petty.  I told her I was willing to make peace with her if she was willing to forget about the whole thing.  She agreed and we're okay now.

We're okay now but when I think of the nastiness we exchanged it just saddens me.  I mean, why can't cool heads prevail first?  I tried to be cool and calm and the voice of reason but she absolutely didn't want to hear me out.  And so it unleashed the nastiness in me as well.  I'm not proud of my behavior then but neither will I sit calmly by and allow myself to be attacked.  If I was meek and vulnerable before, I'm no longer those now.  Getting along may mean succumbing but it may also mean showing what you're made of so people will know whether to fear or respect you.

I hope to teach my boys how to get along with different kinds of people in this world.  Of course, I get scared of their gullibility but if I don't expose them how else are they supposed to learn?

SUMMER

Summer is actually halfway over by now.  In case you wanted to know, it has been HOT, it has been crazy and it doesn't seem like the weather's going to change anytime soon.  So yeah, the humans are suffering on this side of the planet.

Nikki didn't want to have any summer classes this year.  Can't blame him.  After all the hard work he did at school, he deserves a much-needed break.  But that doesn't mean he's idle in the house.  He's still doing his homeschooling lessons and we do other activities from time to time.  Ethan is improving a lot lesson-wise as well.  He doesn't need much prompting in answering his workbooks but of course, he still has those moments when he's not in the mood and refuses to listen to me.  But I don't mind.  As long as he's interested in learning, that's what's most important.  Enzo has impetigo now.  Sigh.  My poor boy. He's itching all over and the rashes/tiny pustules look hideous!! :(  I hope it will go away soon.  He's to take antibiotics and needs ointment for the rashes.  And I meant to have his photo taken for my sister!  Oh well, I guess I have to postpone that...

.....

Summer has been so hot.  I believe the hottest yet.  Can't blame the planet.  It is after all, our doing.  Who else can we blame?  So until we can control our irresponsible ways, there's no hope in having less sweltering summers in the future.

.....

I've been feeling so restless.  Do I work, do I not work?  How does one decide on these things?  It drives me bonkers having to think of what to do or what not to do.  Sometimes I feel I need to do it.  But then again, I know my boys need me more.  Ruther doesn't have the patience to deal with too many parenting issues.  I feel that I have to do my part as a parent well to make up for his -shall we say- lack of parenting expertise when it comes to the boys.  I know he does his best but sometimes he doesn't realize that his way is not always the right way.  So now, I feel that if I work, how will I find the time and energy to be there for them?  Will I be able to handle the pressure/s?  Will I be able to do my job well as a mother, wife and career woman?  Another thing, what work will I look for? I can't very well go back to doing what my degree dictates.  It's been ages and I don't think anyone would accept me.  I would like to be an English teacher.  But I don's have the degree and license for that.  I would like to teach English to foreigners but the pay here is really bad.  Wouldn't mind doing that in Japan though. Anyway, I guess bottom line is, I need to find out what I want to do with my life before it's too late.

LET'S PRETEND

Yeah.  Let's pretend I didn't get so busy again and forgot to blog.

Moving on...

BACK TO BASICS

Today I spoke with a fellow homeschooling mom. It wasn't a planned meeting. We just happened to see each other in Powerbooks and started chatting. We of course, ended up talking about homeschooling, which is really how we met in the first place so no surprise there. I asked her about her second son, who is autistic like Ethan. I asked how she homeschools him and asked for some tips in dealing with Ethan when it's lesson time. We talked about our reasons in homeschooling our kids, our fears, our goals and all that. Yes, we chatted up a storm beside the pile of discounted books while people came and went. After what felt like hours but which was maybe 30 minutes of chatting, she had to leave and with her departure, I felt really light. For the first time in months, I know what I want for my boys. I want to homeschool them. I don't care anymore what people say, what they want my boys to do, where they want to be. All I know is that I want to homeschool my boys for as long as we can. I know that what I teach my boys at home is far more important than what they could learn in school. I know, still, after years of homeschooling, that I can provide the best education for my boys because I know them very well.

I expressed my thoughts (although not all of them) to Ruther and I was relieved that he didn't say no or that he wasn't open to the idea of homeschooling. He simply said, he wants Nikki to be learning the lessons that's fit for his age. In other words, he should be learning the lessons meant for his actual grade level based on his age. And I agree. So, I guess, no more dilly-dallying. If I want to make this work, REALLY work, we have to step it up. I'm planning on enrolling the boys in a homeschool curriculum. Hopefully my friend could help me. I want to do this for the next school year. Nikki will most probably be in a Grade 4 level but we'll see. Ethan will be in Grade 1 and I'm not worried because I don't want to push him too much and make him resent learning.

I'm so relieved I have finally come to terms with what I want for my boys. It's not easy (AT ALL) deciding to homeschool but as what another mom told me, "It's in us, the homeschooling lifestyle". I guess, it's in our family too...

CAN'T DECIDE

For the nth time, I am having second thoughts about Nikki's education.

Yes, he learned so much when he was in regular school this past school year but at the same time, I feel frustrated at the pace they've been going at and the limitations of the school. Sure, I appreciate his lessons in Filipino and Makabayan and I know that it was indeed, time for him to learn all those. But I also know that learning those would have been accessible to him here at home since I already have Filipino and Makabayan books for him that I purchased a long time ago. I also know that his friendship with his classmates has let him appreciate camaraderie and company, but I know that homeschooling doesn't limit him in making friends (though not as close). I appreciate the artwork they do in school but it's such a far cry from the art lessons he has done while homeschooled. There's so much more to consider, so many other things to weigh, I feel as though I'm caught in a tug-of-war and I don't know which way to go.

On one side, being in school will teach Nikki independence, how to relate to people, self-confidence and discipline. On the other side, being homeschooled will simply open his doors to so many learning opportunities I can't enumerate them here for fear of boring you. I suppose we could still do blended schooling so he could have the best of both worlds, but I just fear it's simply too much for him to handle and that he'll have a burn out. And I would absolutely hate myself.

Sigh.

What to do? I asked Nikki what he wanted and he too, felt divided. In terms of lessons, he wants to be homeschooled. But at the same time, he admitted to me that he WILL miss his friends. So I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have 2 months to think of what Nikki's next step in education will be and I just feel so confused. I don't know what to do.

Nikki will be taking a placement test in June (PEPT) to determine his grade level. This test is given once a year to out-of-school youths and homeschoolers. I'm not worried about Science, English and Math but Filipino and Makabayan are another story. So I told Nikki we'll have to review until June so he'll be ready for the exam. I just hope that he'll do well. We've started reviewing and so far, we've been doing easy lessons. Next month, we'll have to step it up and I hope Nikki can cope. I don't want him to think that all our homeschooling lessons were for naught. And I don't want my husband to think that I didn't teach my boys anything! So yes, it's going to be a very busy summer for us.

Wish us luck!

WHERE I BELONG

I'm a fickle person, yes, I know. I know I can be fickle with it comes to eating, to dieting, to fulfilling resolutions, (okay!) to blogging, to many other things. But one thing's for sure, when it comes to my family, their needs and their interests, I am never fickle. (Or well, I try not to be.)

It's not easy being a mom of three boys. Sometimes, I forget myself. Sometimes I don't remember if I shampooed my hair when I took a bath this morning. It happens. A lot even. But when I stop and think of the many things I share with my boys, of being a stay-at-home mom, of knowing their every quirk and mood, I just feel proud. I know not many people will see it like that. I know many belittle mothers like me, but I just can't bring myself to part from my boys at this time. I want to spend as much time as I can with them. As much as I would love to have a career, I also know that my desire to be with my children outweighs anything else I would ever want for myself. When Enzo gets a bump on his head and reaches out for me for comfort, I know that to him, I'm not just anybody. When Ethan comes to me and spews a strange story that no one else could understand, I know that he's sharing something important with me. When Nikki is silent and brooding, I know that he has deep thoughts and I'm careful to leave him in peace. These are little things for other people but to me, they mean so much. I WANT to be there for my family. I want to tend to their every need, to discipline them (yes, even Ruther!), to teach right from wrong, to encourage, to give affection, to open their eyes to the world, and to love like no one else could.

These past few days, I've been thinking of getting a job. I know it will help our family in our current financial situation. I know Ruther's earning good money but of course, it wouldn't hurt to have some money stashed away for emergencies, right? I've been checking ads and such and it always bothered me that I would be away from the boys. Then I thought to myself, "If you want to work and be with the boys, you have to make it work. If other moms could do it, why not you?" So now, I'm doing that. Finding ways of earning money while being with my boys. Tough? For sure! It's no walk in the park. But I know the right job will come to me if I search hard for it. And of course, with the help of people.

So yes, life can be crazy. And it is at the moment. But it doesn't mean I give up or lament endlessly or lose focus. I just have to know what I want, find a way to get it, and grab it. And maybe with a little luck, I might just succeed.

AT KRISPY KREME

At Krispy Kreme, Greenhills. We met up with my cousin Ian, his wife Sue, his kid Cassius as well as my Aunt and Uncle who came for a visit from Canada. It was unfortunate that they only got to come for a short time and we only saw each other once, but I know we'll see each other again in the future.

Miss you cousin!

Hey Life

I can't help but feel that Life is laughing at me. And mocking me.

I can just feel it.

A day passes and then a week and then two. And I wonder how the days turn into nights so rapidly. In a few short days, Nikki will be done with school. Wow. Has the school year gone by that quickly?

Sometimes I wonder about time and how it moves so slowly at times and super fast the next. Sometimes I think of the past and the choices I've made. I think of the future and wonder where our next chapter will take us.

There are days when I feel I'm wandering aimlessly, or going through the motions, just waiting for something to snap me out of a stupor that would suddenly take hold of me from time to time.

Yes, I wonder about you, Life, and the things you make me do and the places to take me to see. What else have you got for me and my family? What other plans have you got up your sleeve? Are they going to be good ones? Or be the same as the past 3 years? Hopefully not.

Make me smile. Make me laugh. Make me live again. Tickle my fancy. Thrill me. Send a shiver down my spice. C'mon Life. You can do better than this.

TOO SWEET

The other night, Ruther brought home a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. He was given a gift certificate last Christmas for a dozen Original Glazed Donuts and decided to get them before the certificate expired. Well, I tried one and sadly, I'm not a fan. It was just too sweet. And this coming from a certified sweet tooth.

I remember when Krispy Kreme came to the Philippines and opened its first store. Oh. My. God. You won't believe the hype and the lines. I saw it in the news and read it in the newspapers. And now, after trying one of their donuts, I can say for sure that it's not something I look forward to eating everyday, unlike say, Mister Donut's Donut and Dip or Dunkin' Donuts' Nutty Choco or assorted munchkins. Japan's MisDo's Angel Cream donut and the Custard Cream one which I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE are a whole lotta better than this sugary dessert. Krispy Kreme's Original Glazed donut? Bleh. I had to force myself to finish one! I think I consumed a pound of sugar just eating one! And looking at their Caramel Glazed Donut? Made my teeth hurt!! Who would want to eat that much sugar? Really? So, if you ask me if I love Krispy Kreme donuts, I would say no.

However, I haven't tried their baked products yet, such as the Banana Walnut Kruffin and the Ham and Cheese pull apart. But then again, even if they were yummy, I would rather buy the Goldilocks' Banana or Blueberry Muffin or Dunkin' Donuts' Ham and Cheese Croissant which would be less expensive and more filling. So yeah, I don't have to go to a Krispy Kreme store just to satisfy my donut cravings. I know I can always find something else, something better to tame my sweet tooth.

Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with Krispy Kreme and am not claiming expertise in their products. I am merely expressing my own thoughts about my experience with their donut and not attacking the company, the employees or the business.

NO REGRETS?

There are times in my life when I look back and think of the things I did or major decisions I made that affected me a lot. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I have no regrets whatsoever. Yes, there are some things in my life that I regret doing or having. Surprised?

I'm in awe of people who say with conviction that they have no regrets in their lives. I just can't see how they could turn a mistake and make it right. I can't comprehend how they can so easily let go of things and say, "I'm over it". How can I adopt such a philosophy?

I try. I try my best to be the best that I can be. But yes, I have fears too. There was a time in my life when my fears crippled me, when I could not think straight, when I could not function. I guess, I still have some fears. But they aren't as crippling as before, thank goodness. I think I just have to learn to master my fear, to realize that I only have one life and I shouldn't waste it.

Maybe I should, when I wake up in the morning, ask myself, "What extraordinary thing can I do today? What can I do to experience the world? What can I do to make my family happier?" I sometimes wish there were more hours to a day. I know not many people will agree with me on this, but I just want to spend as much time as I can doing the things I want to do, by myself and with the people that I love. I'm sure that if I do that, years from now when I'm old and grey, I'll look back and smile at all the crazy and wonderful things I did with my life.

BY THE BAY

We watched the pyromusical show last Saturday. This was our spot on the breakwater. The boys had some snacks while waiting for the show to start.

A BIRTHDAY

It's Ruther's birthday today. He's now 37 years old. I can't believe that we're approaching the big 4-0. S c a r y... (Or is it?)

We didn't have a grand celebration as usual. We always prefer to celebrate by ourselves and to have our own little thing as a family. Anyway, I got Ruther a cake and a couple of presents. I know that's not enough to repay him for all he's done for the family but I hope that he appreciates the thought nonetheless. The boys made some homemade cards for him which Ruther promptly took photos of and posted on Facebook. If that's not a proud dad, I don't know what is. :D

For dinner, we had yang chow fried rice, braised beef brisket, lechon manok (roasted chicken), pork siomai, yummy ripe mangoes and chocolate cake for dessert. The boys had fried chicken. This Saturday, we're going to continue the birthday celebration by watching a fireworks show.

Can't wait.

Happy Birthday Sweetie! I love you lots!

.....

My cough is slowly (and I mean slowly) starting to go away. What's irritating though is that the itchiness in my throat won't go away still. Argh! I've tried honey, salabat (ginger tea - which was I'm sorry to say, ugh!), calamansi juice, Strepsils, lots of water, menthol candies, cough syrup and still, the itchiness stays. Grrr. So annoying. Anyway, I hope I'll be 100% better in the next few weeks.

.....

Did you hear about the earthquake in the Visayas region of the Philippines? That was intense! I know it's nothing like the earthquake that hit Japan but the damage is terrible! I suppose we're not as earthquake-ready as Japan (duh!) so I hope the government will wake up and take notice. And HELP.

I've been saying time and again that we should be more conscious of our environment. Years of destruction and pollution are now taking its toll on our dying planet. Mother Nature is speaking in volumes and we darn well better listen!