GETTING ALONG

It's not easy getting along with difficult people. I've had my share of nastiness and it disappoints and alarms me that people can be so mean and insulting when they are in a bad mood. Sometimes I wonder if the world will be a better place without nasty people. But I know psychologists will disagree with me because of the fact that strife and discord develop one's desire to fight for what is right, push us to extremes, and trigger our desire to fight instead of flee (fight vs. flight).

I'm an emotional person.  When I was younger, I was even more emotional. Every little thing would affect me.  Ruther said I wore my heart on my sleeve and now, thinking back, I suppose he was right.  But now, I've learned to toughen up. I know that I can't put myself out there anymore, vulnerable to attacks.  It's kind of sad in a way because I thought I was just being true to who I was: an emphatic, emotional and sensitive person.  I am still those things right now, I guess but to a much lesser degree.  I can't live like that anymore.  Whenever I had a bad day, unless I was completely exhausted, I would find myself tossing and turning at night wondering what went wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have done to make things right... It was really emotionally draining.

After I got married, I was still the emotional me. Despite knowing Ruther for years, we still had adjustments to make. It was a bit tough on me but as years went by, I learned, I adjusted, I changed. When you have to be out in the world, you have no choice but to change.  Sometimes, I try not to let too many things affect me.  After all, it's my sleep that's affected at night, not theirs.  When people I've never met throw a nasty situation my way, I have to tell myself I couldn't help it and let it go or I know I would simply be distraught about it. I guess, that's just the way I am.

I never have problems getting along with my boys.  I suppose it's because I know them so well despite their personality-differences. I know the best time to talk to Nikki after a scolding.  I know when Ethan is worried and apprehensive.  I know when Enzo needs comfort or play or affection.  As a mother, I suppose I taught myself to let go of the little things that affect me and just focus on the bigger things.  Ruther is not like that sometimes.  It's not because he wants to be nitpicky.  He's just particular, that's all.  I admit, there are times when he rubs off the boys the wrong way and vice versa but that doesn't mean he doesn't try.  It's just harder for him, I guess.

These days I tell myself, if I get into an ugly situation, to simply remind myself that 1. the person is most probably a stranger and I'll never see him or her again; 2. bad situations happen but that doesn't mean it should ruin my day and 3. I learn something from all the time from things like this.

I happen to have had a terrible experience last Sunday with a relative. Knowing she had anger issues, I tried to calm her down to start a quiet conversation. But she wouldn't have any of it. Mid-fight we were screaming at each other and I really couldn't help it.  She refused to see reason.  I will not say the cause of the fight but I will say that it was unbelieveably a small small thing.  Another reason that irked me.  I mean, we could have just talked reasonably but no, she wanted a fight.  Sigh.  Before we parted ways, I told her that I didn't want the fight hanging over my head. I didn't want to have to think about it because it was so petty.  I told her I was willing to make peace with her if she was willing to forget about the whole thing.  She agreed and we're okay now.

We're okay now but when I think of the nastiness we exchanged it just saddens me.  I mean, why can't cool heads prevail first?  I tried to be cool and calm and the voice of reason but she absolutely didn't want to hear me out.  And so it unleashed the nastiness in me as well.  I'm not proud of my behavior then but neither will I sit calmly by and allow myself to be attacked.  If I was meek and vulnerable before, I'm no longer those now.  Getting along may mean succumbing but it may also mean showing what you're made of so people will know whether to fear or respect you.

I hope to teach my boys how to get along with different kinds of people in this world.  Of course, I get scared of their gullibility but if I don't expose them how else are they supposed to learn?